Jeff's Open Letter

We are writing open letters, and Jeff's letter is to those who use retractable dog leashes.

June 9, 2016
Retractable Dog Leash

We are writing open letters, and now it's Jeff's turn. His open letter is to all of those people who use the long retractable dog leashes to walk their dogs. He HATES them, and here is the letter explaining why.

An Open Letter to Those Who Use Extendable Dog Leashes:

To those who engage in the annoying exercise of allowing your dog a few extra feet of freedom using a retractable dog leash, I ask you these questions:

Do pedestrians not matter?  Do cyclists not matter?  Does anyone matter besides you and your stupid dog?

I am not quite sure why these contraptions exist.  The best I can determine is that they were created by a terribly fat, lazy, ugly, monster human who couldn’t fathom altering his walking direction by just a few feet to allow his canine companion the joy of smelling that fresh turd-pile that are presently just out of snouts reach. 

After hours of research, where he analyzed the pros and cons of walking three feet over to the grass AND a retractable, poorly made trip-wire that only works when his fat ass runs to create slack between him and the dog … he decided to indulge his web-slinging Spiderman fantasies and build the retractable leash.  And SHOCKER! Lazy American’s bought it.

The extendable dog leash looks like it was designed based on what people in the eighties thought the future would be.

In all my memories of the extendable dog leash, I have never seen it retract in time to actually stop a dog from jumping on someone, darting in front of a bike, or startling a young child. And the holder of the leash looks shocked EVERY SINGLE TIME something like that happens. Perhaps the device also has memory-altering capabilities, creating some type of void where the experiences of past walks with it used to live.

Or perhaps it’s all intentional, and everyone that uses a retractable leash knows that their dogs are huge a-holes. And the leash allows the pet to remain innocent while the human mouths apologies and explains that the dog has ever jumped on anyone before and pretends to ‘fix’ the leash that has worked flawlessly until this point.  Meanwhile, you can’t focus on that, because you are bleeding out from the 6 bites you got before the dog was removed from your face.

And it sucks for the dog, too.  It’s just the illusion of freedom.  It’s the “Your Vote Matters” of the dog restriction world. The “There is an afterlife” of canine control. The “The Divorce Wasn’t Your Fault, Son” of things attached to the neck of a dog when you take it for a walk. Life is beautiful, until you see a squirrel. The retractable leash gives you just enough room to get up to a good speed before it clotheslines you back to reality.

For the love of god just use a six-foot leash like everybody else. Or go get a ferret. Let’s be honest, unless the retractable leash can carry you up the side of a wall like a low-budget superhero, it is good for nothing.  When you hold it, it looks like you’ve stolen the ticket dispenser that tells you your number in line from a deli.

When I see someone with an extendable leash, I am secretly wishing that one of those big street cleaner machines is just around the corner, and seconds from now, your dog will get sucked under it and, for the first time in history the device works as it should, you are sucked up in there soon after.

Thank you.

And his open letter actually worked! We got calls from people agreeing with him, and one woman even said she uses those leashes and now feels like a jerk!