Jeff's Kindergarten Commencement Speech

There aren't just college and high school grads this week, there are also kindergarteners. And Jeff has a special message for them.

May 26, 2016
Kindergarten Graduation

High schoolers are graduating and heading on to college. College students are graduating and heading out into the working world. But there is also a special group graduating...kindergarteners. They have their own special graduation heading into the first grade, and Jeff was amazed at this. So, he wrote out a commencement speech just for those kindergarteners and gave the speech over the air. 

Honored Graduates:

It’s been quite a journey. Congratulations on making it this far. For 5 years you have imagined this moment, and here it is. Stop playing with the loose thread on your shorts for five freakin’ minutes and pay attention to ME.

Thank you.

Know this:  The best years of your life are now behind you.

The next time you’ll be able to take nap without getting in trouble, you will be in a Walmart and your grandkids will quietly wheel you to the car.

Nobody will ever again pass around a basket of snacks, just because it’s 10:30am.  For the rest of your life, if you want a snack, you’ll need to scrounge together some coins or a not-too-wrinkled dollar bill. And your choices will be limited to 4 different flavors of stale lance crackers from the vending machine at your crappy job.

You have learned the basics of how read. How to write. Even a tiny bit of math.  In a dozen years, you’ll learn all of that again but then you’ll get something called a LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE and your parents will be $100,000 in debt.